Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
