who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
