you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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