Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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