I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
