So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
