I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
