You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
