After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
