Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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