A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
