nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
