with your own penis?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
