So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
