Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
