Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
