Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
