I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
