Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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