I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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