I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
