May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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