you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
