and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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