my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
only if we run a train.
done.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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