i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
