he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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