I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
