Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
