Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
