i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
