so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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