My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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