I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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