i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
