While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
