Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
