last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm passing your future prison.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
