I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
