o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
