Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
