So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
