I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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