I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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