I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
