I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
