Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
