nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
