I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
