i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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