help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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