Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
