We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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