I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
