ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
