Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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