i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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